BOLLYWOOD’s  shandaar talvarbaasi, and ghode – pe sawar, REVENGE ka bhukaar;  punchlines  ke  saath  tayar  heroes and heroines….! Laila’s  and  Majnu’s   with  their,   “chup – chup ke milne”  ka jugaad  and   sar  pe  “tension ka pahad” !! and  their  pathetically, hysterically, unrealistic – dukh bhari daastans, with risk – laden raastas!

The  “pyaar main andha”, compulsions “se bandha” jhund of HEER’s and RANJHA’s ..being   chased by smugglers of  CHARAS and GANJA !! Belonging  to none other  than the  conspiracy clan :  the descendants of Gabbar Singh and Mogambo  : some  high – profile sophisticated criminals, in suit – boot – glares; accompanied by  men – in – black ki band, others – the  gunda – mawali  chor, daaku, “villagers ko dhamkao, heroine ko uthao” type……..

Then we have the  ancestral blessing and family trait  of the – HERO’s purvaj  to always   fall  in “LOVE” with the “Gaon ki  SABSE gori”…  THE most impossible forbidden chori,:  the  daughter of a RICHEST Sarpanch, Sardar, Thakur, Raja, Zameendaar, …???? with big trail of Kala – gaadi’s and servants ka paltan….OR either so rugged, so poor so DUR – BHAGYA  stricken, misery ridden; khandaani  gareeb ki santaan !

Whatever the  case – our  beloved  “Heroines”;  whether  they’re fighting  with  barsaat;  andhi – toofan  OR working in the khet  with dhul mitti and raith ;  their hair and skin  is all glossy,  all set …all HIT!! Singing  and  dancing  around  jhaad, phul – patti…… all that ‘HERO ke baahon mein  EFFORTLESSLY girna’;  ‘baalon ka hawa mein  yun udhna’… Aah haah – haah! How eye – popping; how  jaw – dropping,!! There’s admiration, there’s  CHEER  and exaggeration beyond  imagination  which may  result in a series  of  brain  damage, wearing &  tearing any bit of  our  ability  to THINK  and  DISCERN any FURTHER”! …..BUT….. “yeh hai BOLLYWOOD meri jaan, iske liye DILL toh kya,  DIMAG  bhi hai  kurbaan”!!!

The – extremes

I  must say  when it comes to guys ,  some   of  us   girls  are  a  level  above  THE  REST  and suffer  from an  exceptionally  hazardous  unexplainable bimari…..known as the  ladkiyo  ka EXTREME  Khatarnak dual personality disorder!!!

Meet   the  ‘Ghar ke andar;  Mummy Daddy  ka  baby  Bandar’  ‘Main  kaun  hu? Mera  naam  kya  hai??’  TYPES  … who,   act completely  oblivious  of   their   surroundings  especially of  the  prajati  (species)  called  “BOYS”,  but  – as  soon as  they  are out  of  the  leash  they  become  vigilant  as a  leopardess  set  out   to hunt… they  can  slither  like a snake, and imitate  all  the  moves  that  a  tigress  makes…They  can growl, and roar  and  pounce and  chase  the  boys, out of   their  hiding – places;  go  HEAD – OVER – HEELS  and do  Hulla – huppa  jhingaa – lalla !  ‘Till   they  have   sat  on their  head, pulled off  all  their  hair  and given  them  all  a  good  life – long  scare’!! 

Then  we  have  the  REVOLVER  RAANI’S :  ALWAYS  ready  with  GUNS  and  DAGGERS   in their  army  tankers  to attack – and  BOMBARD!   

We are  the  TYPES   Who can go  to  any   height  and  turn  black  into  white  !! ‘ to  rid  the  earth  of  ALL  the  OTHER  girls… and be the ‘LONE ones standing’:   before  the boys!!’  

Our   level of  insanity and  HOSTILITY;  is  so  out of  measure’  that at  the  very  mention of  another  girl ;  we declare a war …and  give  out a  shoot – at – sight   ka  order,  be it  on  earth  or outer space ka  border!!!   

Mai  esaa dynamite, grenade,  bomb  phodungi!! 

Ek bhi  ladki  ko bachne nahi  dungi…..!!

Ladko  ke  duniya  main,  sirf  aur  sirf  mai  hi  raj  karungi.

Whenever   I  accompany my friends to the mall;   at  the entrance itself;  I start feeling dizzy   looking at the food counter in front –  one andhruni  dukh starts rising up inside me. I can imagine out of all those  ‘das din se baithe hue’   snacks on special  offer : what  all dangerous, plastered  with  sugar , layered with chocolate,  floating in sauce,  extra cheese…..big, mountain – sized, asteroid –  shaped  snack is going to be picked out!!!!

Once that frightful ordeal of  devouring  the most obnoxious snack – is done : it’s time for  the SABSE BADA   dread  :  the  BUDHBAKO  KA  PREMIUM  OFFER  where I become ‘bahar se  silent   andaar se violent   witness’ to hours of my friend’s mindless buying of 20  truckloads of useless  fads and fancies  and everything else on earth; BUT  that  one  thing they actually need.

By now,  I  am woe – struck   seeing  all the sar – daard  my friends have bought  while they are awe – struck of all the offers they have got!!   : and jubilantly take  home  all  kinds  of  outrageously outlandish gadgets, and  tons  of  paraphernalia  – all of which is   –  less “kaam ka saman” … and  MORE  “saman” for which   they will  have  to break   their heads  to create some “kaam” !!

There’s   a  devilish  mind behind   arranging, setting and putting up things at the malls : so many  TEMPTING  OFFERS  and  ALTERNATIVES ; cunningly and attractively  packed : for those easily convincible  BAKRAAS;  WHO  go totally gaga over it…and enjoy –  all sorts of  FALTU ka  fuss and attention; be it in buying or billing or trolley ka merciless filling!!!!

These  VOLCANIC, any – moment – ready  to erupt, burning – coal headed, lot of people  have a toofani bullet  train mind – they make up their own idea for everything ! and maintain  the most extreme  unrivalled sense – of   “bura  maan jaana” and – NO MATTER  WHAT – manage to  find  “tantrum – throwing  ka bahana”!!

The process of talking to them, has a massively, bhayanak; effect on the mind of any NORMAL person and can leave you with the – sarsarahat, farfarahat and ghabrahat  waali feeling!!!

Anything ,  said  even in the best of intentions; is somehow manipulated by this lot  ; and turned into a personal insult,  bad feeling and a million other  complications!! Their minds are  fully loaded  with land mines –   you don’t  know what may  trigger them  and   BOOM – BHAA – DOOM!!!!……it’s a blast!!

If you  talk to them, you’re stuck, ..if  you don’t  you’re still stuck ….

If  you  look at them, they   say  “you’re staring”  … if you don’t look; they  assume you’re ignoring!

If you involve them, they  feel  you’re forcing,  if you don’t;  they think you’re REJECTING.

And may the gods have mercy on you, when you’re  talking to them as a group,  you can feel the sweat and fear trickling off  your  forehead and  neck  at the very  imagination of  some Moofat  saying something, or just about anything;  that  might get to them!! For , in my humblest opinion; the world’s most  hanikarak, and explosive combo – is  that of a be – dimaag moofat  and a zarurat se zyaada dimaag wala  over –sensitive Khusat!!!

While beauty  is meant to be diverse and filled with amazement; beauty contests  are just the SAME OLD  sameness ka arrangement!!!

The  girls at most of our Indian beauty contests are all : tall, thin, and of course; fair and lovely…  aage, peeche , upar, neeche they all look same – to – same; itnaa zyada same, that I doubt anything can differentiate them, apart from their name!!

The same gown! the same hairstyle; – an obnoxiously big  high bun which looks more like an anaconda  curled up on their heads and the same kamar pe haath wala signature pose; ka zabardast dose!!

And baap  rey  baap !! When they walk the ramp – my reasoning fails me to understand as to just  how they turn and make the same DARAWNA serious glance….they look like they’ll eat you, if they only got a chance!!

In all of this sameness, I must say that the JUDGES definitely have some rare ADHBUT talent : to still find a winner amongst them. And ALAS!! The rest of us are KHALAS!! : for only the one girl bearing the weight of that pretentious CROWN on her head; is the most admirable, desirable, sought – after beautiful being on earth and in heaven!

Arey baba!! Have we come to this extent of superficial beauty  ka juncture;  that our commonsense has only gotten puncture!? When everything else in life is unique, different and special in all it’s differences and variety – then why has this boring sameness become our unfortunate qualifying criteria for beauty?? 

Although, in the last 18 months; I have gotten a relief from my family and friend’s tiring trip tales, I must admit – that I do miss being in the “Tour tumhara, torture mera” situation!

Be it chewing my ears off on the phone – bragging, boasting and breathlessly blabbering about their  holiday!!

Or  in person , nearly blowing my head off, they start with their rides on a horse, their mornings at a resort with hill view; I tire more then they got tired at their treks….then they tell me about scuba diving; and I’m nearly drowning!!

I have had family friends, : vying, prying, crying, and dying to pop my eyes out !! just about anywhere – constantly tapping my shoulder with a “and see THIS, and see THAT, and THIS ONE and THAT ONE!!” to stuff themselves and me into their phone; overloaded with repetitive trip photos!

Having been through the  bhayankar (terrifying) and  exhausting narration of their  holiday trip, accompanied by their laborious efforts to bore me to death; I have often imagined myself telling them about their dreaded delusion of themselves being the supreme lord of travelling, however I’m thankful I didn’t literally do that – because now; I do miss the very same things – I do truly wish back for our good old days with all the torturous travel tales!!

Reach out!

For each one of us it  has been a hard year – and – a – half  ;

It seems like we have  nearly  forgotten  how   to  laugh.

So many loved ones we have lost, – 

The mentions of many names from now on,

Shall cut the conversations to an abrupt  end.

Never again to certain addresses;  a letter will we send.

Which one of us may have ever thought,

that  we  would see a day of  this  sort ?

so my   friends !

Lets reach out to one another,

and  extend our compassion to the needy  lot

Reach out; to the friend who is confused and in doubt.

Reach out to the neighbor who has locked others out –

Reach out – to  the beggar and the stranger at the corner of the road;

Through your actions  let  them know what kindness is all about!!

Sometimes it’s easier to reach out –

 to others who are alone;

than to one’s very own;

So my friend;  

Reach out; to your long  lost brother, your far away kin!

Reach out with hope; for God has called us to be

beyond just blood and skin!!

While  there  are  those of  us  who truly value, appreciate, love,  and  understand  those  who play an important role, in our lives by  serving   us day in and day out – 24/7, 365  days a year; a lot often without even a holiday,…. These people;  such as – our  household helps, Malis, cleaners, garbage collectors, Dhobis  and so on….  who  over the time;  become  like  family members  to us,  –  and  will  remain  to be an invaluable part of our lives.

But then,  there  are also those  of us – who’s  mindset  stuns me  as to – how   come in all our talks  of  having  progressed  we are still so fat – headed, so narrow – minded and so kanjoos– hearted; that we continue degrading our  household  helps – order them around, as and how  we  please…. and don’t even  bother to  utter  a  small word of  ‘thank you’ ?’’!!??… – or  – offer  them a glass of water; and  feel we have more than  made up for it by  giving them some  sadela, left – overs :  lying  in our fridge  for so long; that the fridge itself would have spat it out, if it only  could!……..

Whereas  even   for  an occasion  as  simple as  inviting  someone  over  for chai…: we  mean,  demanding  and  FEARsome  employers; might actually end up losing a leg or so, tripping and stumbling over things to be done : if  they don’t help us…..  

Our helpers   do  our dirty dishes  spilling  out  of  our kitchen  sink, right  onto our kitchen floors…..extending to our dining tables, and where not;…. they work  hard towards  making  sure our food is served on time, and our Ayaa’s  run  around  all day, looking  after  our  kids; with the added  stress of  our kid’s  not – so easy to deal with temperaments  and tantrums;

And  yet: our  proud upward  facing  pointy long, nose might just get  shortened  if we ever ‘acknowledge’ them.. this  baseela  ‘they’re  just workers , and  we pay them for it’ attitude  of ours really, really stinks!

 But;  I’m more than  tempted  to remind us, that our  lives  would  be more  miserable  than  our fungus  orthodox  bhejas …….and  the  sight and condition of our homes  more  frightful  than  a haunted house : without  the service of those who serve us daily.

From making a fuss over nothing; to throwing loud visible tantrums, to creating dramatic scenes, to putting up fake shows, and much more……

I wonder just what goes wrong with some of us girls,….when it comes to guys! 

In real, we’re the types who are actually  capable  of catching  a bull by its horn; and even sitting on it and having a joy – ride! But, as soon as a guy comes by, we sheepishly and feverishly  transform ourselves into  baakri’s  in distress pleading for help….!!…like – “oh please save me from this ant, looking at me, hungrily, and from that fly,  flying around angrily”.. and what not, there’s no end to this nuisance…

 Then comes the, “I have n0 mind of my own, so if you jump into a well, I will jump in as well!!” types..

Because I’m  mindless….I will laugh and clap, sing and dance, for any stupid thing you do..and  be in highest agreement of the dumb, dumber, or dumbest stuff you say.

“hum do be – dimaag , gadhe; ek dusre ke liye banne hain khaas, chalo hum dono ghume – phire, aur chaat ke jagah khayen ghaas.”

(we two brainless donkeys,  are made especially  for each other, come lets roam around, and eat grass in place of chaat.!)

  Finally  there’s the – “We know it ALL, We’ve done it ALL. And, we  want them ALL” types, we can  DO or DIE, to impress the guys”……..  We are truly the most terrifying breed, feared by even the guys themselves, like some ladakoo vimaans  we are ready to air drop a bomb on any girl who passes by – any guy!

Armed  with our  hair up in a scary wild  puff; and a deadly colour – combination  of  make – up;  a deliberate drastic change in our chaal – dhaal, and all the efforts in the world to look overly kamaal…. ..”

Areeh oh sambha, …..kitne ladke thain, reh??……(jitney bhi thain….saaren mujhe  hii  chahiyen..reh..)

(areh oh sambha, how many guys were there, reh?… however  many were  there…I want them – all for myself …reh )

Although, I’ve never really been interested in politics, the 2019 General election, did draw my attention towards it. There was so much to that election;  so much beyond just campaigns being led, speeches being read, flags being waved, party leaders with strong heads and their respective followers with even stronger heads……and the one seat; that they all sought for.

Even before the results were announced (on 23^rd May 2019); there was  beating of drums, bursting of crackers, shouting and celebrating,: in  all the unnecessary  noise, and  display of excitement, the  sound of true democracy  got lost somewhere. What was left was, what VICTORY  and defeat are all about; and how much of the election is made up of power and how strong it runs.

On the other hand, discouragement was clearly seen  in – the Congress party, which lost the elections; but there was something about Rahul Gandhi; who had persevered and withstood. A man, of quiet strength; governed by subtlety and soberness – who, in the face of an uncontrollably heart – breaking second – time defeat; courageously with all honesty;  acknowledged, accepted and faced the nation and those, he was accountable to. He promised to stay on, and work even harder, to serve his people and continue to love all those, who mock or try to pull him down.

This shows, that greater than the seat itself, mightier than the grandeur of its power and position, louder than the roar of invincible supporters is – the calmness and composure of one’s speech and behavior, in which rests the true spirit of the elections; that brushes across each one of us silently like a feather, and yet bears the weight of a TRUE Democracy.