I have brought out the most hilarious, obnoxious behavior of us girls when it comes to impressing guys,…but why leave out the even more atrocious, ferocious, behavior of the BOYS..when it comes to the same???!!! So here are some comments on our ‘uchalta – khudtaa ankh – marta langoors,’: who fool and “be – dimag” ho kar bhi, try to act cool..
I’m sure; hum sabka pala inse padha hain “stinky skunks” with, puffed – up chest, and spiked – up hair; they think of themselves as handsome hunks and god’s eternal GIFT to heaven and earth… the ‘saari ladkiya mujh pe marti hai’ TYPE!! These disastrous freaks are every girl’s ‘chalta phirta dread and buraa sapna’ they ‘FOOL around with all but don’t honor anyone as apna’
Inn se toh pala padhte hi, inke sar pe chappal padhti hain !! the “luche lafange complete bedhange” TYPE These ‘badnaseeb, mentality se ajeeb, mendhaks’– will stare and stare and stare and NO GIRL they’ll SPARE – until their head is hammered by a range of lady’s footwear!!
Aur inn “SARFIRE ajooba’s” se toh hum sabka pala, padha hi padha hain!! – the : behlao – fuslao, uljhao – atkao – fasao, and bewakoof – banao all the girls : with their airy – flairy talks, and hopeless show – off TYPE!” the MOST outrageous brainless gadha’s with their heratangez adaa!!
The Lockdown, although a ‘majboori’ ..it did somewhat help bridge this ‘doori’ and brought back the fuss – free Bindaas zindaa – dilli, loving and caring DESI attitude of us, Indian youth : in the past one – and a – half year we have had no choice but to celebrate birthdays and events at home, or at normal places with our family and friends; without whose presence our lives would be adhuri!!
BUT now, we’re BACK : to the so – called : PERFECT ‘new – age’ café RAGE…! The cozy, coffee, and ‘gupas’ over the cupas business!! A fancy place with a decorated unchaa ceiling; and 5 – star Angrezi, Spanish waali feeling : and all the fuss and nakhraas you can think of – set in with wifi, A/C and the latest modern comforts …Furniture and atmosphere cut to match the craving of the west – loving, Indian youth : and a name and location that would get any brand – conscious café –addict instantly glued there!! Where your instagram followers would die approving and praising off. …
For every occasion: you run to one of these CAFÉ’S with your “baal rangeela, bheja dheela’’ atrangi chelaa’s grooving to the sound of some bizarre BESURA high angrezi music ki dhun!!.. Your, swirly creamy, ‘coffee’ shivers : while YOU do a zordar koshish at everything from “machal – pout” to “ghodaa – grin”, changing a HUNDRED FILTERS but STILL looking like an unsatisfied elf…. Arey yaar; Stop this India – born “VIDESHI” banne ka stress and mess, and simply enjoy; your undisputed “artistically manmohak, naturally photo – readily akarshak”, true DESI “kadak chai” and self !!! !
There has been so much talks, about – what all we have been through socially and financially as a nation in the last 19 months, BUT now – we actually have a chance to celebrate “walking the talk”, by looking beyond just ‘ meetha – pakwaan, phul jhaadi, and haatho ke liye nayi ghaddi’.
This is especially for those of us who fancy ourselves as the Pitaa ji, or Mummy ji of all the goodness and kindness and charity in the big wide world , we read books with the most atrociously FAKE descriptions of charity, listening to speeches by great persons, and always quoting quotes of endowments, philanthropy, selflessness, and generosity…!! Even saints and scholars may fall short IN FRONT of the way we give BHASHAN’s about changing the world through kindness and compassion in our HEADS!!!!
We are so imaginary with charity and so IGNORANT of one’s reality that we drool and savor in the delicious flavor of unrealistic “once – upon – a – time” kind of stories – but asliyaat is quite FAR from this imaginary nonsense of ours!! Leave alone going WAY, WAY, WAY out of our WAY … to help – we won’t even do something for someone who is actually RIGHT in our WAY!!! All our kindness and compassion : becomes dhua and disappear into hawa!!
So; …my dear friends ..zara reality mai dill khol ke karo charity!! Stop this ‘thought’ and ‘reality’ ke beech ka DISPARITY! This festive season open your heart, home and bathua, and give sachi, sachi, or you will go down into history, for your air – headed daan – puniya, in an imaginary duniya!!
BOLLYWOOD’s shandaar talvarbaasi, and ghode – pe sawar, REVENGE ka bhukaar; punchlines ke saath tayar heroes and heroines….! Laila’s and Majnu’s with their, “chup – chup ke milne” ka jugaad and sar pe “tension ka pahad” !! and their pathetically, hysterically, unrealistic – dukh bhari daastans, with risk – laden raastas!
The “pyaar main andha”, compulsions “se bandha” jhund of HEER’s and RANJHA’s ..being chased by smugglers of CHARAS and GANJA !! Belonging to none other than the conspiracy clan : the descendants of Gabbar Singh and Mogambo : some high – profile sophisticated criminals, in suit – boot – glares; accompanied by men – in – black ki band, others – the gunda – mawali chor, daaku, “villagers ko dhamkao, heroine ko uthao” type……..
Then we have the ancestral blessing and family trait of the – HERO’s purvaj to always fall in “LOVE” with the “Gaon ki SABSEgori”… THE most impossible forbidden chori,: the daughter of a RICHEST Sarpanch, Sardar, Thakur, Raja, Zameendaar, …???? with big trail of Kala – gaadi’s and servants ka paltan….OR either so rugged, so poor so DUR – BHAGYA stricken, misery ridden; khandaani gareeb ki santaan !
Whatever the case – our beloved “Heroines”; whether they’re fighting with barsaat; andhi – toofan OR working in the khet with dhul mitti and raith ; their hair and skin is all glossy, all set …all HIT!! Singing and dancing around jhaad, phul – patti…… all that ‘HERO ke baahon mein EFFORTLESSLY girna’; ‘baalon ka hawa mein yun udhna’… Aah haah – haah! How eye – popping; how jaw – dropping,!! There’s admiration, there’s CHEER and exaggeration beyond imagination which may result in a series of brain damage, wearing & tearing any bit of our ability to THINK and DISCERN any FURTHER”!…..BUT….. “yeh hai BOLLYWOOD meri jaan, iske liye DILL toh kya, DIMAG bhi hai kurbaan”!!!
I must say when it comes to guys , some of us girls are a level above THE REST and suffer from an exceptionally hazardous unexplainable bimari…..known as the ladkiyo ka EXTREME Khatarnak dual personality disorder!!!
Meet the ‘Ghar ke andar; Mummy Daddy ka baby Bandar’ ‘Main kaun hu? Mera naam kya hai??’ TYPES … who, act completely oblivious of their surroundings especially of the prajati (species) called “BOYS”, but – as soon as they are out of the leash they become vigilant as a leopardess set out to hunt… they can slither like a snake, and imitate all the moves that a tigress makes…They can growl, and roar and pounce and chase the boys, out of their hiding – places; go HEAD – OVER – HEELS and do Hulla – huppa jhingaa – lalla ! ‘Till they have sat on their head, pulled off all their hair and given them all a good life – long scare’!!
Then we have the REVOLVER RAANI’S : ALWAYS ready with GUNS and DAGGERS in their army tankers to attack – and BOMBARD!
We are the TYPES Who can go to any height and turn black into white !! ‘ to rid the earth of ALL the OTHER girls… and be the ‘LONE ones standing’: before the boys!!’
Our level of insanity and HOSTILITY; is so out of measure’ that at the very mention of another girl ; we declare a war …and give out a shoot – at – sight ka order, be it on earth or outer space ka border!!!
Mai esaa dynamite, grenade, bomb phodungi!!
Ek bhi ladki ko bachne nahi dungi…..!!
Ladko ke duniya main, sirf aur sirf mai hi raj karungi.
Whenever I accompany my friends to the mall; at the entrance itself; I start feeling dizzy looking at the food counter in front – one andhruni dukh starts rising up inside me. I can imagine out of all those ‘das din se baithe hue’ snacks on special offer : what all dangerous, plastered with sugar , layered with chocolate, floating in sauce, extra cheese…..big, mountain – sized, asteroid – shaped snack is going to be picked out!!!!
Once that frightful ordeal of devouring the most obnoxious snack – is done : it’s time for the SABSE BADA dread : the BUDHBAKO KA PREMIUM OFFER where I become ‘bahar se silent andaar se violent witness’ to hours of my friend’s mindless buying of 20 truckloads of useless fads and fancies and everything else on earth; BUT that one thing they actually need.
By now, I am woe – struck seeing all the sar – daard my friends have bought while they are awe – struck of all the offers they have got!! : and jubilantly take home all kinds of outrageously outlandish gadgets, and tons of paraphernalia – all of which is – less “kaam ka saman” … and MORE “saman” for which they will have to break their heads to create some “kaam” !!
There’s a devilish mind behind arranging, setting and putting up things at the malls : so many TEMPTING OFFERS and ALTERNATIVES ; cunningly and attractively packed : for those easily convincible BAKRAAS; WHO go totally gaga over it…and enjoy – all sorts of FALTU ka fuss and attention; be it in buying or billing or trolley ka merciless filling!!!!
These VOLCANIC, any – moment – ready to erupt, burning – coal headed, lot of people have a toofani bullet train mind – they make up their own idea for everything ! and maintain the most extreme unrivalled sense – of “bura maan jaana” and – NO MATTER WHAT – manage to find “tantrum – throwing ka bahana”!!
The process of talking to them, has a massively, bhayanak; effect on the mind of any NORMAL person and can leave you with the – sarsarahat, farfarahat and ghabrahat waali feeling!!!
Anything , said even in the best of intentions; is somehow manipulated by this lot ; and turned into a personal insult, bad feeling and a million other complications!! Their minds are fully loaded with land mines – you don’t know what may trigger them and BOOM – BHAA – DOOM!!!!……it’s a blast!!
If you talk to them, you’re stuck, ..if you don’t you’re still stuck ….
If you look at them, they say “you’re staring” … if you don’t look; they assume you’re ignoring!
If you involve them, they feel you’re forcing, if you don’t; they think you’re REJECTING.
And may the gods have mercy on you, when you’re talking to them as a group, you can feel the sweat and fear trickling off your forehead and neck at the very imagination of some Moofat saying something, or just about anything; that might get to them!! For , in my humblest opinion; the world’s most hanikarak, and explosive combo – is that of a be – dimaag moofat and a zarurat se zyaada dimaag wala over –sensitive Khusat!!!
While beauty is meant to be diverse and filled with amazement; beauty contests are just the SAME OLD sameness ka arrangement!!!
The girls at most of our Indian beauty contests are all : tall, thin, and of course; fair and lovely… aage, peeche , upar, neeche they all look same – to – same; itnaa zyada same, that I doubt anything can differentiate them, apart from their name!!
The same gown! the same hairstyle; – an obnoxiously big high bun which looks more like an anaconda curled up on their heads and the same kamar pe haath wala signature pose; ka zabardast dose!!
And baap rey baap !! When they walk the ramp – my reasoning fails me to understand as to just how they turn and make the same DARAWNA serious glance….they look like they’ll eat you, if they only got a chance!!
In all of this sameness, I must say that the JUDGES definitely have some rare ADHBUT talent : to still find a winner amongst them. And ALAS!! The rest of us are KHALAS!! : for only the one girl bearing the weight of that pretentious CROWN on her head; is the most admirable, desirable, sought – after beautiful being on earth and in heaven!
Arey baba!! Have we come to this extent of superficial beauty ka juncture; that our commonsense has only gotten puncture!? When everything else in life is unique, different and special in all it’s differences and variety – then why has this boring sameness become our unfortunate qualifying criteria for beauty??
Although, in the last 18 months; I have gotten a relief from my family and friend’s tiring trip tales, I must admit – that I do miss being in the “Tour tumhara, torture mera” situation!
Be it chewing my ears off on the phone – bragging, boasting and breathlessly blabbering about their holiday!!
Or in person , nearly blowing my head off, they start with their rides on a horse, their mornings at a resort with hill view; I tire more then they got tired at their treks….then they tell me about scuba diving; and I’m nearly drowning!!
I have had family friends, : vying, prying, crying, and dying to pop my eyes out !! just about anywhere – constantly tapping my shoulder with a “and see THIS, and see THAT, and THIS ONE and THAT ONE!!” to stuff themselves and me into their phone; overloaded with repetitive trip photos!
Having been through the bhayankar (terrifying) and exhausting narration of their holiday trip, accompanied by their laborious efforts to bore me to death; I have often imagined myself telling them about their dreaded delusion of themselves being the supreme lord of travelling, however I’m thankful I didn’t literally do that – because now; I do miss the very same things – I do truly wish back for our good old days with all the torturous travel tales!!